Dating..

Does dating suck or do we??? I love being in love, but getting there always seems to be full of heartache and headache. Recently being back on the dating scene, has been a shocker, we will go into full detail about that in just a bit. When we start or restart dating the first time is always clutchy especially if you have been out of "it" for a while, I am speaking from experience. I believe I made every mistake in the book for my first date with someone I found to be pretty awesome actually....here's to hoping that I will get another chance to redeem my somewhat faulty behavior but if I don't well, here's to learning. Ladies make special note of the things "not to do". First, don't expect ANYTHING; we women tend to forget that first date means exactly that.....FIRST DATE, there are no commitments no promise of a second date, so try not to screw up your chances...if you want a second date that is. Second, don't let the other person know if you're really interested- you WILL look like a fool or at least you will leave feeling like one. Third, shut up!!! Don't talk so much, you will only get yourself into trouble. There will be very obvious reasons I say such things as you read on. I will also continue to blog this "relationship" so that you all may learn how not to be an idiot and I guess to if I can learn from my own mistakes.

Date #1(JL)
I didn't really want to go to a bar and meet anyone so I decided to go through a dating service, that way I might be able to narrow down the lists of things that I could avoid in someone. I viewed profiles, sent a couple of super generic emails, until I ran across this one. We will call the person JL so there is some sort of privacy. I was immediately drawn to this person because of the smile; it was a kind, bright smile. So I sent an email, and waited. I eventually without too much waiting got a response, as I did with other emails. The others were promptly deleted, and I began to read this one. I was pretty happy that the one I wanted to write back, did. As new emails to people you don't know are, this was just a "hi, how you" kinda thing, which was perfectly fine. The emails progressed with me asking a myriad of questions and JL answering but not asking much in return. I do talk incessantly when nervous, and mind you I don't get that nervous all the time but this time was very different, I couldn't seem to shut my mouth (back to "not to do's" #3). At some point in all this I suppose JL thought that I might not be a psychotic and we exchanged numbers. First came the texting and then the dreaded but exciting first phone call. I blundered and tripped over almost every word that came out of my mouth (still on #3). I knew I sounded like an idiot and no matter how I tried not to sound like an idiot it happened anyways. There was just something about this one that had me falling on my face everytime we talked, and I will continue to fall on my face through out the first date as you will soon see. I could not get my shit together no matter what I tried, I was a nervous wreck. The conversations got a bit longer each time and I began to settle down ever so slightly. Eventually we decided to meet; the first date fell through and was moved up. This conversation took place on Monday the date was set for Friday initially and then reset for the following day. When I realized it was the next day, I started to get a little freaked out. All of those emails, texts, phone calls and I was somewhat invested in JL already and JL knew this, because I couldn't abide by #3, this falls loosely under #2 as well.
So of course I say I'm nervous and JL says "don't be nervous, it's just me", well that was the problem...JL made me nervous, really nervous. Like I said before that hasn't happened to me like this before just with this one. The vague responses to my questions made me even more attracted to JL which in turn made me even more nervous. The date was great, JL was funny and smart, all the things you want in a first date. Probably all the things you want for all dates after the first one as well. I was clumsy with my words, super flirty and all the things that would turn almost anyone off. I laughed all night and couldn't take my eyes off JL(that's rule #2&3) I was definitely infatuated there is no way around that. I was being my sweet charming self and couldn't tell if that was getting me anywhere, JL was just as calm and collected as you could possibly be. I have never been around someone that I could not read, that is until now. We talked all the back to the house, took JL's dog out and then I left. There was a hug and a peck on the cheek and that was it, even though I was left wanting more. I get into the car to go home and texted some lame message like "you are very hard to read is that a yes or no", referring to the option of seeing me again or something like that. The response was "maybe", holy shit I got a maybe (there it is rule #1). Generally in the first few minutes of a date I can tell if there is gong to be a second date but I couldn't, I was clueless. The response to that was "I didn't know I had to make a decision about the right now" damn there is another one. But I was being unfair and I said so and JL said "how did those words taste?" Well they tasted like shit. I guess I expected to know if there was any connection, which I believe there was...I could still be wrong. I haven't ever dated anyone like that, it was scary and refreshing all at the same time, and it made me want to fight to figure it out and give up all at the same time. But I think I will stick this one out, I really am intrigued by JL. We talked on the phone until about 12am, and after I felt much better about my chances.
So there is is, we will have another date, when it is will be up to JL. JL's company was undeniably great. I was undeniably a dork.
SO I broke all those rules and I don't know if this, us will go anywhere but boy am I hoping so. I will be so much better the next date and maybe the calm will give me the answers I am looking for, if not then I am an idiot and should never date anyone again....EVER. If there is no future there I always have wishful thinking. Goodnight JL. I will keep posting, as we see each other.

I think this situation is best described in the words of Melissa Etheridge
"Please forgive me, if I don't know what to do,
It's and old old fire, a familiar desire,
But my skin is painfully new"

When life gives you lemons....

I have recently found out that I will be getting laid off of my dream job. To make matters even worse today was the last day of camp and as I looked around at the faces of the children whom I have grown to love I felt my heart break. It is a tough realization to grasp knowing that there are some I may never see again, and that hurts more than I could possibly explain to any of you. So the compilation of losing my favorite job, saying goodbye to "my" kids and not knowing what the future has in store for me made today one of the most difficult days I have had for a very long time. But on a brighter note when a window closes a door will always open.
I have also recently been reacquainted with one of my camp counselors and that gives me hope that these kids won't forget me. It is a wonderful thing to find friends you thought you had lost, but know now you will never lose again. What do I do now?? Who the hell knows, but I am going to keep laughing and enjoying the people that are dearest to me (you know who you are) and hope that something somewhere will come around that will make me just as happy as I was this summer. Bittersweet ending to a wonderful summer. :(

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best....Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Making Decisions

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to do 2 things 1) be a doctor--the med school hours are not agreeable to having diabetes 2) Law School-- perfect for me because for those who know me I love to talk. So then it's a no brainer..how to get there. Well I have spent a good portion of the day looking up good LSAT study books and prep classes, and then finding a law school that allows me to keep working while in school is going to be a job in itself.I wish I would have gone when I passed the LSAT 10 years ago, but I obviously wasn't ready for that just yet. So am I ready now?? That is the question of the day and then what kind of law is the other. I don't know what to do...help me please. I need some input. This is a blog that requires a response so I had better get one at least.

I Miss you

There are people who come into our lives ever so briefly and then there are those who stick around, but I firmly believe they all come for a reason. My heart remains full for those who have touched me, even is it was only for a minute. I find that I fall in love with people everyday, no, not the kind of love that is romantic but rather the kind of love that helps fill the missing pieces. It usually consists of character traits..something about the personality just makes me want to be near them. I know that everyone has met someone or known someone that they just love to be around because it seems to make them the best version of themselves being close to that person.
Then there are those who you fall in love with, and when you look at them you see a future. I do not believe that you fall in love with only one person or only once in your life, I think maybe it's more the fact that you keep falling in love and getting your heart broken that leads you to the right person. I have had more than my fair share of heart breaks but I have also been fortunate enough to love.
The hardest part for both is letting go of that love however it effects you. Friends, lovers there is so much gray in that area that no one person or any number of words can ever express. You can't help who you fall in love with, you're not supposed to.....which leads me to the fact that we should however control and protect the ever so fragile human heart. I try to tell the people that I love that I do love them whenever possible, it makes me feel good no matter how it is accepted. But I am positive that there are people I should have said it to but because I was young, naive or possibly afraid of getting hurt I didn't. So embarking on a new phase of my life I am determined to let people know that I do care, I do love them and I do miss them. This is a late New Year's resolution but this one is strictly for me.

Reconnecting

When reconnecting with old friends there are 2 things that need to happen:

1. You need to speak, not facebook, myspace, text or email there is something lost in translation there. When people hear things it is a whole lot different than it is when being written. You can write your "friends" all you want to tell them that you miss thier faces but unless you say it the sentiment is lost. Are they really friends if all they have time to do is write, did you really mean anything to them if you can't talk?? I am a big fan of calling, even if it is only for minute at least you know they took that minute to tell you "hi".
2. At some point you probably need to see one another. No words can express what a hug can. People need the personal connections and in this tech age we aren't getting as much as we should. We grow old and realize that the majority of our communication with others has been done via telephone or computer. Plus people change, they look different, they have gotten older, wiser...or not. Pictures can say a thousand words but it doesnt mean anything to look at them if you have lost that connection with those you care about.

People are just too busy to do anything other than type a few words, but we fail to realize that there is so much underneath the text. When you are told that you are loved it is much better to see and hear it in person, when the emotion can be felt.

Green beer won't help

Happy St.Patty's day to all you Irish. Today I am reminded of a friend, his name was Ray. Born on this day many moons ago, he was quite a character, I did so love him. He passed away April 6th 2001 of lymphoma, which as it turns out is one of the nastiest of all cancers....he was eaten alive but never lost sight of certian things:

1. Dont ever forget your friends, no matter how long it has been since you have seen them , if they were your friends they will remember.
2. Dont ever be afraid to tell someone you love them, we arent gauranteed tomorrow, and if they take it the wrong way, well you know what you meant.
3. You can find the sunshine in anything, even if you can't see it right now.

My thoughts exactly, Ray. The words are my own but the sentiment was his.
So Happy Birthday Friend, wherever you are
Tough times for me ahead, when does the peace come?